If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
