You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize