Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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