Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
