I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
