I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
