So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
