I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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