Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
