You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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