We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
