I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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