really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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