i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Randomize
