Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Another day, another engagement, another cat
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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