hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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