you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
