ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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