the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
