we have pet lesbian snakes
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize