My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
too bad you live with your parents still
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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