His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
