I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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