Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
