The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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