Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize