dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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