My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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