So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This is my gift to your gina
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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