That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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