They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
