and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
