I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
