Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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