covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize