Just fell off a train. Bad.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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