I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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