Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
