it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
