upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
