OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
