She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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