I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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