I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
