so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
