i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
