No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
