why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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