OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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