so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
