I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
