i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
