Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
