i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
