yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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