Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
