remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
