How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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